Medina

There will be a little Medina in my home.
The mother, the father, and the children will share the love with each other.
The Medina will be built as a kind of surau, medresa, or pesantren.
Every day, they will try to clean the heart so that the light from heaven can sparkle inside out.
The ones in it will be highly civilized scholars who will deliver good things for either themselves or the people outside.
The member of the Medina will share what other members don't know about.
They will discuss those things like a scholar.
Some will wander around, try to reach what other people say as bad things and good things.
They take all of them to be cooked evenly and to be served to the public on the dishes of love.

10s vs 20s

Hai,

Baru saja aku membuka folder-folder lama jaman aku masih kuliah S1 di Jogja dulu. Aku yang familiar dengan isi folderku sekarang, merasakan betapa berbedanya aku sekarang dari aku yang dulu. Berbeda dari sudut pandang pengetahuanku akan isi dunia ini. Dulu aku udik sekali, betapa terasanya bahwa dulu aku benar-benar orang yang datang dari desa lalu hijrah sementara ke kota Jogja yang tidak bisa dibilang metropolitan. Aku orang yang tidak pernah pergi kemana-mana. Paling jauh aku pergi ke Jakarta, itu pun cuma sekali karena tabunganku tidak banyak. Selain Jakarta, aku hanya pergi ke pelosok desa-desa di perbatasan Jawa Tengah dan Jawa Timur. Itu pun kusebut piknik. Padahal dalam diri ini waktu itu sangat penasaran dengan isi dunia ini, di dunia ini ada apa aja sih?, orang-orang di luar sana seperti apa sih?, apa yang tidak kutahu?, sudah benar belum ya kalau aku bersikap begini dan begitu?. Segala pertanyaan ingin aku temukan jawabannya. Tidak heran, waktu itu aku memiliki mimpi yang waktu itu juga bagi diriku sendiri terbilang mimpi setinggi langit. Aku ingin terbang naik pesawat ke benua lain dan melihat kehidupan di sana semacam apa. Aku tidak ingin membaca majalah atau review tentang apa yang ada di luar sana, aku tidak ingin membaca buku tentang apa yang orang imajinasikan tentang sebuah kota dan desa di sebuah negara, aku tidak ingin membaca pengalaman orang-orang yang pernah singgah di tempat-tempat itu. Aku ingin melihatnya sendiri, menyaksikannya sendiri, merasakannya sendiri suatu hari nanti. Waktu itu, aku takut bila aku sudah tau dari buku, majalah, dan cerita orang, aku akan jenuh dan kehilangan mimpi yang setinggi langit itu, aku takut aku akan cepat puas.

Sekarang aku pikir, segala pilihan hidupku sudah tepat. Kini pikiranku sudah mampu menampung lebih banyak hal dari hasil interaksiku dengan segala hal di luar diriku, aku makin lihai bagaimana harus bersikap yang baik di segala kondisi, tidak seperti dulu lagi. Andai saja aku terlalu banyak membaca buku dan menonton film dulu itu, mungkin aku tidak ingin bermimpi tinggi-tinggi, tidak ingin pergi jauh-jauh karena toh aku sudah tau. Mungkin aku tidak jadi terbang ke negara-negara lain, tidak jadi berkenalan dengan orang-orang asing, tidak bisa memahami dan merasakan segala pilihan hidup mereka dan segala keragaman yang ada di muka bumi ini, tidak mengerti mengapa orang-orang asing itu suka belajar ini atau belajar itu, tidak mengerti bahwa tanah di belahan dunia di sini pernah mencecap sejarah menarik yang berlika-liku juga. Oleh karena itu, tidak ada yang bisa kulakukan sekarang ini selain sejenak bersyukur atas semua yang Tuhan berikan. Aku tahu ini tidak gratis. Aku sedang memikirkan cara untuk memberikan kembali kepada segala makhlukNya tentang apa yang sudah Tuhan berikan padaku. Aku ingin menjadi contoh yang baik minimal untuk anak-anakku nanti, bila tidak bisa untuk orang lain. Aku ingin mereka memiliki pikiran, minimal seluas pikiranku. Aku ingin mereka tidak udik. Aku kira, pengetahuan bisa didapatkan dari mana saja dan dari siapa saja. Namun, yang lebih dibutuhkan orang lain adalah daya tampung pikiran yang luas dan hati yang jernih untuk menerima segala pengetahuan itu. Itulah yang aku targetkan, karena udik adalah sebuah keterbelakangan.

Saat ini aku belum berani bermimpi lagi karena aku merasa aku sudah mendapatkan hal-hal baru yang berlebih, yang belum aku transfer balik ke orang lain yang mungkin membutuhkan, yang mungkin masih udik. Life is about taking and giving. I have taken a lot and I want to give half of it.

Surreal

Tiba-tiba dunia ini terasa aneh sekali. Aku merasa sangat surreal, aku tak bisa membedakan mana fakta mana ilusi. Bulan lalu aku sendirian, lalu suamiku datang dan memberiku kasih sayang yang begitu besar. Saat-saat tidak adanya suamiku, aku merasa itu adalah kenyataan seperti biasanya. Ketika suamiku datang, itu juga kenyataan seperti biasanya dulu, meskipun kondisinya sama sekali lain. Ketika suamiku ada dan menyayangi sepenuh hati secara nyata, aku anggap itu nyata. Adanya dia adalah biasa bagiku. Namun kini suamiku pergi lagi. Kasih sayang nyata darinya tiba-tiba lenyap, ia tidak ada di sini dan itu nyata. Namun anehnya aku menjadi tidak terbiasa, aku sangat sedih dan mengira bahwa ini adalah ilusi. Padahal aku yakin ini kenyataan.

Kemarin dia bertanya, "apa yang kamu rasakan andaikan kamu melihatku menikah dengan orang lain?". Aku menjawab "Tentu saja rasanya aneh, tapi sepertinya aku tidak akan berlama-lama sedih karena itu adalah takdir. Aku pasti akan juga menikah dengan orang lain dan menumbuhkan rasa cinta bersama. Memulai hidup baru. Kan aku realistis". Lalu kamu bilang, "kok kamu sebegitu enteng menjawabnya.."

Sekarang, aku pun berubah pikiran. Aku pun menjawab "Aku sangat sedih. Aku tak tahu bagaimana meneruskan hidupku bila melihatmu dengan orang lain".

Jadi, aku sedang sangat surreal hari ini.

Dua minggu lalu aku bertanya padanya "Ketika aku mati dan meninggalkanmu sendirian, apa kamu akan menangis?". Dia menjawab "Aku tidak tahu. Mungkin aku menangis. Kenapa? Kalau kamu gimana?". Aku menjawab "Aku tidak akan menangis karena orang yang kusayangi berpindah ke dimensi yang lebih baik". Dia bilang "Bagaimana kamu bisa memprediksi bahwa kamu tidak akan menangis? Menangis itu bahasa mata. Bahasa mata tidak pernah berbohong. Kalau kamu sedih dan menangis, itu wajar. Bila aku sedih ketika kamu tidak ada lalu menangis, itu bukan sesuatu hal yang buruk. Kamu tidak tahu apakah kamu akan sedih atau tidak."

Hari ini aku pun menjawab "Ya, aku sungguh sangat sedih kamu tidak ada di sini dan aku menangis. Aku tidak bisa berbohong. Mataku tidak bisa menutupi kalau aku tidak sedih. Aku belum siap kehilangan. Maafkan hamba yang lemah ini, Ya Allah."

Jadi, aku merasa sangat surreal. Aku tidak tahu aku sedang dalam realita atau ilusi.

Mungkin kenyataannya adalah bahwa aku masih harus berjuang sendirian, suamiku pun begitu.

From Aomori to Tongyeong

It’s a note that something ever happened 3 years ago, probably describes a little bit about my pop-site. Well, I intended to visit Aomori and Tongyeong after getting crush on this. That is why I applied to Kyushu and have ever been admitted there but finally the fate brings me to Europe instead of Japan. I have no idea. I am still dreaming to go to Japan with the beloved ones, someday.  

Sekitar tiga tahun lalu saat aku masih muda dan menjadi mahasiswi imut nan pintar universitasgadjahmada, suatu sore menjelang malam di Kos Ibel daerah Sekip Utara Jogja setelah bejibaku dengan laporan magang.

Niha: Bel, what are you doing?

Ibel: can’t you see? I am watching a movie

Niha: what movie?

Ibel: Just come and watch here with me

-----me 5 minutes watching----

Niha: Oh No.. what is it? What’s with that face.. Is he really a man? Why does the actor look beautiful instead of handsome or manly or you name it..

Ibel: come on, let’s finish this one first, just sit and watch. It’s a good movie.

Niha: I am not going to.

Ibel: You’ll regret it. I mean it. It’s a very good movie.

Niha: never.

---- 6 months later ----

Niha: Bel, do you remember the time you insisted to watch a movie in your boarding house, a movie with a beautiful actor casted as a werewolf?

Ibel: When? Have we ever watched it together?

Niha: not yet, but you wanted me so hard to watch it

Ibel: Aha.. I remember. Now what?

Niha: I regret it. I should not judge a guy by its cover. Although the actor is beautiful, but he is amazing and charming. And in the werewolf boy.. really, he can act like a werewolf without saying a word for 2 hours long, and in the end he made me cry. How can it happen..

Ibel: HAHAHAHA… What happened to you? In other words you say that you are adoring him now?

Niha: Yeah.. I watched his recent show in a serial, I am so touched that he could manage to portray a very complicated character perfectly.

Ibel: What serial?

----- This is a story about Maru -----

Maru is undoubtedly smart guy, but he is stupid at the same time. He is smart in a way of how he can afford anything he wants (money, girl, love) with his style and his brain. He is innocent and so kind hearted that he cannot take care of himself from the woman he loves that might harm him. You know, being lunatic is often disadvantageous for someone especially if the lover is stupid and not that sincere. That’s what happens to Maru. Because of his stupidity, he cannot afford his happiness, he suffers from loneliness for 14 years before he really reaches his true love and happiness. He was chased by the love from an innocent girl, from his sister, from his friends, and from his past-lover. All the love from them goes to Maru, but he and his lovers keep taking the complicated path. The path that he took is not something that Maru wants to walk in, but it’s just his life brings him there reasonably. After 14 years, finally he can look back brightly and run to the love and the happiness that he deserves since the beginning. What makes Maru stupid is about his decision to do this and that. However, I find it makes sense when he decides to do so. He does it humanly and reasonably. That’s how I love Maru, you can never blame him, he is an innocent and a bad guy at the same time.

An empty heart and then a changed heart

In the middle of the story, Maru finally falls in love with the innocent girl that he used to revenge in order to get back to his past-lover. He was touched by that girl who barely footed came to his house in the hard-rainy night to confess. He is a gentleman, a good guy in the inside, he cannot help but letting his heart fall for that girl. His heart was so empty before because he was really heart-broken, that he did not know how to go on another day. But, a good girl comes and confesses, he falls in love for the second time and it’s time for him to have a changed heart. Everytime Maru falls in love, he is crazily responsible for that feeling. He will passionately protect the one he loves even if he must torture himself, he will never let her go alone no matter what happens. He will assure that girl is happy beside him. From here, he has a reason to live brightly again. That’s how Maru is.

However, the complicated path that happens to him does not seem to make his experience in loving that girl go simply and easy like what he wants. The fact is that he feels so guilty towards that girl. What he did to her was really bad, ripping off her heart repeatedly. He really loves her now, but he isn’t confident enough whether he can really make her happy or not because of his past lousy life. Although the girl insists to go along with him, to get married, to live together, to have kids, and to grow old together, but he thinks he cannot make her happy, he is afraid of him hurting her again. He thinks that she is just too good to be true. Therefore, he decides to push her away from him as hard as he can, he turns to be a very bad guy in front of her so that she hates him, so that her feeling on him stops there.

The girl leaves as she was rejected by the man whom she loves, Maru. There is nothing that she can do, she cannot beg for love anymore. But one day, she comes to Maru once again with a very different condition. She loses her memory at all, except her feeling to Maru. Because her feeling to Maru was so strong, she tells Maru that her heart remembers him as a good man whom she really loves. This event brings Maru to the confusing intersection. He was about to throw himself into hell because he lost the the happiness and the love. By meeting her again, he is happy but sad at the same time. He is sad because the girl cannot remember what kind of man he was, she cannot remember that he was a bad guy. If he comes to her and builds a happily new life together, what will happen when she finally remembers that he was a bad guy? But, Maru decides to get back to that girl and he will disappear right away if someday she gets her memories back and still cannot forgive him. By that way, he thinks he has a reason to live though only for a while. By that way, at least he can be happy though only for a while. He never wanted anything in his life since all what he wanted never came true while he never did anything wrong. So, just once in this time, he wants to be happy for a while.

He comes to that girl, he gives her abundant love everyday. But, Maru is a really nice guy in a way that although he is living together with the girl whom he crazily loves, he doesn’t want to touch her unless she really wants him to do so. He even has no the idea of how to go on a proper romantic date with her, while he was such a player in the past when he had an empty heart. The situation, that the girl cannot remember how bad he was to her in the past, prevents him to openly express how he greatly loves her. It’s just like, he is more than ready to disappear when someday the girl reveals her memory about him. Maru treats the girl very carefully, he protects her whenever she is in a danger. Maru is a man who never fails to comfort the ones whom he loves with a great charm that you can never hate him. You will end up in a deep regret if you happen to betray him.

It is a relief that a nice person like him finds his own happiness and love after a long years struggle. The character of Maru amazed me because he is complicated, he is extraordinary with all his psychological conflicts. He is different from the characters in other high-rated stories. I find so many people who live normally and that’s not challenging for me to pay attention to. Yeah, that is how a drama and a fiction do for the audience, it creates imaginary life and character that you might not encounter in the real life, or it possibly happens, who knows.

A Dinner Convo

Jude: What romantic standard do you tolerate for two lovers?

Nih: I have no idea right now. Romance is a random little things that I find during the relationship. It's difficult to define or to remember. It just comes out sometimes without being planned. By given a flower, a kiss, or a compliment doesn't always mean a romance for me although I appreciate it.


Jude: I have a good question for you. If only you were forced in a situation that makes you have to choose a guy with different religion but he is so kind or a guy with the same religion but he is unkind, what do you prefer?

Nih: What? I don't think I will encounter that kind of situation in my life. It's impossible.

Jude: why impossible?

Nih: because I will just adore the former one and I will just keep myself away from the later one.

Jude: No no, you have to choose, I want you to imagine it.

Nih: Hmm.. It's complicated. I am not living in a drama. Are you a novelist? Haha..

Jude: ...just searching for some thoughts, well..

Nih: What about you?

Jude: You know me, you should know the answer. Surely I will choose the guy who is kind to me, no matter what kind of situation it is. Religion is no big deal for me.

Nih: Yeah.. It's unimaginable for me to answer your question because we have a very different life, culture, and perspective. I set a rule to myself that I will just get married with a guy who has the same religion as me, and of course a kind guy. If only I were in that situation, I prefer being single for the rest of my life, I think I will be happier by that way. And you can also imagine, that someday I'll surely meet the guy that fits my criteria, I think nature won't let me have no partner for that long. If I ever encounter that situation, I will count it as a temporary bad luck or bad dream, whatsoever.

Jude: So, that's how you escape, dealing with the situation..

Nih: Yup. Only if I were interested in a dramatic life, I would choose one of both situations. I might prefer the first one, because it's a matter of idealism, more intelligent than the second one. Who's a moron who wants to live with the unkind guy who lacks of conscience? She is throwing off her mind, I guess. But hey, I think this situation might happen if I live in the Netherlands, because you know, I am a stranger here, and the other people outside are quite stranger for me too. I live in Indonesia, and I have a huge opportunity to meet the guy who fits my criteria. Statistically speaking, I am sure there are a lot, around 30%, just a matter of choosing which one, then.

Jude: Why do you consider about religion so much? Is that a privacy? You are not going to force your partner to be religious, right? That's not wise.

Nih: That is why I consider about religion for choosing a life partner. Because, I don't want him to be religious because of me. I want him to be religious by his way without any offense from everybody else, including me as his partner. If he has the same religion as me, at least he is religious in a way that I can deal with. Most of all, I am a conflict avoider. I think, there would be many trivial things that could be the reasons to fight with each other if my partner has different religion, who knows. Why choosing that kind of life? I would be happier if I am single. Perhaps, you still cannot accept my reason, but it's just because we are different. I am practicing a religion, while you are not. You cannot imagine what the trivial things that can be the reason to fight... maybe not physical conflicts through the harsh words or something, but psychological conflicts that raise in your deep heart. That's it.

Jude: Do you think your life is complicated, or the other way around?

Nih: Although it's complicated, I choose to see it in a simple way. I have told you that I am not living in a drama. I just enjoy watching or reading a drama, but I am not going to let myself drown in a dramatic life. I will try to always deal with the situation, set my mind at ease and let everything go with the flow. I will hold the things that I can handle and let go of the things that I cannot handle. I think I am happy by that way.



Muntweg at 08.00 p.m.